where my focus is {or isn't}

well, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least.  we heard last friday that the judge did officially sign pascal's judgement, but the agency still hasn't received the hard copy.  in the meantime, we have been waiting for two weeks now for our kids to arrive at the 'transition' house in kinshasa.  there were several kids that were moved, but (in our normal fashion, things just don't go smooth for us) our kids and a few others were left behind.  we weren't sure why, until we had a lunch date with our agency last saturday! 

we were heading home from a timely and refreshing weekend with friends and were traveling through spokane, which is where our agency is located.  we took this opportunity to actually put a face to the coveted caseworker we talk and email with so often.  this woman probably knows me more than most of my friends merely because of what we've walked through together these past several months.  it was a welcomed lunch filled with laughs, tears and strategic planning!  to make it a bit sweeter, she toted her hubby along so we more fully were able to see more of her life, her priorities, her passion (and his) for these kids, her God-given ability to juggle all she has on her plate, and the team effort it requires from both of them to persevere in this life.  about half way through our 'lunch' (i say this because it lasted a speedy four hours!!), she decides she needs to tell us her funny story for the week!  apparently those kids that were left behind were left for good reason: they had gotten sick and were being quarantined!  i think to myself, of course this happened to my kids!!  as she unfolds the story of the scare they had trying to determine what the sickness actually was, we are rolling in our seats at this point with laughter.  after all kinds of panic and research, the final conclusion was chicken pox.  and our little bridget started it!  here, i did have to defend my daughter and say that of course she couldn't have created it herself, she got it from someone!  but nonetheless, we had a good laugh at what lay ahead in our parenting of this little darling that is full of smiles, mischief, and apparently, disease instigating abilities!!  so, once they are clear, we are then promised they will be making their journey to the transition house. 

in the meantime, we wait. 

and wait. 

and wait some more. 

this waiting business is one of the hardest things for me.  which is why, i'm pretty sure, i have to do it so much!  there is a sanctification, and closeness with the Lord, that comes from waiting.  i usually go through the stages of grief {yes...it's that bad for me!!} beginning with anger (ok, I skip a few), then, after much kicking, screaming and trying to do it my way, i finally utterly surrender to the Lord (this usually involves sobbing with my face on the floor leaving a pile of tears on the carpet, along with a truck load of burden i've been trying to carry myself).  i am not sure why it takes me so long to get this through my thick head, but each time it is rewarding.  i'd like to say each time i get better at it, but that is entirely dependant on what my focus is, which varies more often than i'd like to admit. 

i'd like to say that i have complete trust in God and know that His will will be done regardless.  sometimes i'm better at it, and sometimes i'm not.  the times i'm not, it's because i lose focus on Him.  it's because i live more in my flesh and less in the spirit.  it's because i look at how unfair things are going and not at how He's unwavering in his sovereignty.  it's because i expend energy on worrying instead of obeying His command "therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life."  it's because i fail to see this as an opportunity to be more equipped for what He has ahead for me instead of learning and gleaning what i can from this lesson.  it's because He is not my focus.  too often i let the circumstances in life direct my heart.  as i listened to this sermon (the worship the King sermon) from David Platt last night (and again this morning) i am reminded of where i fail every time.  i lose my focus on Him.  HE is not my goal in the moment.  me getting what i want is, regardless of how much of Him i might lose out on in trying it my way.  and oh, how this grieves me.  i am too often reminded of paul's words in romans 7:25 "for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate."

i can not wait until the day that i no longer doubt some of Him, when i am wholly and completely surrendered to him...all. the. time.  i am painfully aware, however, that i have a lifetime of waiting until that can happen.  i will perfectly rely on Him once in his presence in Heaven, but until then, i will serve Him while i'm waiting.  i will worship while i'm waiting.  and i will beg for more of his priceless mercy to sustain me when i fail, over and over. 

even in my failure, however, He faithfully provides!  the kids made it kinshasa safely today!  what a glorious God i have!

beyond bummed

the past week has been hard.  our agency caseworker has been out of the office for the past three weeks, two of which she was in the congo getting a handle on the process.  we were told before she left that both of the kids' judgements had been signed by the judge.  we learned yesterday that apparently that was not the case.  the judge had not signed pascal's judgement.  i am beyond bummed, frustrated, and honestly, angry.  apparently the judge has verbally approved him, but hasn't officially signed his paperwork.  unfortunatly, that's a minor  major detail! 

we can't schedule his embassy appointment until we have received that judgment.  bridget's paperwork is ready to go and will get her appointment scheduled shortly after she hits land in the capital, but now our timing is off for them being ready and prepared to come home at the same time.  how off, we don't know.  there is hope that the embassy will allow p's embassy interview at the same time as b's, assuming we have his paperwork by then, putting them back on track.  but there's no guarantee.  that judge needs to sign that stinking paper.  that's it.  how hard can it be??
i have to say, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart.  it is flat hard, hard, hard!   it is like riding the scariest of scary roller coasters, and do i dare say, without a seat belt!  we are completely at the mercy of other people, whom we've never met, they are at the mercy of people that are doing work down in-country.  it makes for news like this to be very difficult and challenging to swallow.  the unanswered questions: even harder to swallow. 

the upside of this past weeks news is that the kids are getting moved into the capital to their new 'transition house'.  the house will provide better care, food, and facilities.  but it's not home.  it's not where people are going to love them unconditionally.  it's not where they belong.  they belong home.

please pray with us that they get there safely (the in-country flights in congo don't have the best track record), and for His grace and mercy for us to endure these next several weeks with hope and confidence. 

our little peeps

these are the pictures that were taken of these two the day after they lost anna.  i am so amazed at God's provision for them, particularly bridget.  she is all smiles after losing her twin sister...much more than i can say for myself.  they have all been raised together their entire life.  i guess it's just a part of their life.  they have dealt with more death in their short 2 years than i've dealt with in my whole life.  such a shame, an injustice, and unneccesary.

and here's the most recent pics of our little ones!  i almost feel bad for posting this...it seems like pascal is feeling a bit dissed he didn't get a new outfit!  and our sweet bridget is all smiles, as usual.  we sent the girls their packages long before we knew little pascal was a part of our family.  rest assured, he's got a package ready with his name on it! 

and just to give you an idea of how tiny they are, we sent her a 12 month size outfit.  i'm thinking there's some major food headin' their way once they get home!  can't wait to hold you two!  hang on...we're coming, God willing! 

blaise pascal

not many people have heard of the guy blaise pascal.  he's a mathematician turned theologian who stated "there is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus."

here's the thing: we have some friends who named their son blaise after this guy.  the little guy we're adopting's name is pascal!  i remember telling my girlfriend about our loss of anna on our porch and explaining we were getting their little cousin, pascal.  she whipered with tears in her eyes, "he's the other half to our blaiser!!"  it was a sweet moment of yet another kiss from God!  this is part of a greater plan!

the story of our little pascal has really hit this family hard.  little blaise suffers from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  he lives in constant pain, sometimes so severe he can't even walk.  he is getting inundated with drugs to try to subside his pain and improve his bodies' function, which seems to fail with each new dosage attempt.  there are continual unknowns which includes more pieces of their heart breaking as they watch their sweet boy endure.  they love Jesus, have devoted their life to him and work diligently in ministry.  they are being rocked to their core over the suffering their little son is going through, and can only trust in Jesus each step of the way. 

a highlight is that this little guy recently asked Jesus into his heart in their yard with their mama!  that Jesus guy is starting to pour out of his heart (funny how He does that)!  he knows the whole story of our loss of anna and how that made room for us to get pascal.  he's aware of the ridiculousness of someone dying over such a preventable disease.  as a result, he asked for mosquito nets for his birthday instead of gifts.  there's not a whole lot of 5 year olds that can so honorably deal with such pain and still give away the highlight of his year: birthday gifts.  i'm not even sure how many nets he received, but the fact that the loss of our little anna would have such an impact on a freshly turned 5 year old is beyond me! 

i have no doubt this blaiser and our pascal will be great buds!  God is knitting their hearts together half a world away! 

thanks blaise for being such a strong, sweet and Jesus loving little guy!  we so appreciate your support of our family and utilizing what your knowledge to make a difference! 

you, too, can make a donation to provide mosquitoe nets here!  let's help put an end to stories like anna's. 

angels?? maybe...

there's one story i want to share about the loss of anna that i didn't share before.  after i had gone out of the sanctuary and was sitting outside, apparently the session had been released.  one of my girls went to search for her mom in an effort to use mom's leverage with our airline to get me on a flight back home as soon as possible (thank you for whoever paid for my change fee).  amidst all of these people, she was able to find her mom almost immediately (which hadn't happened all weekend, despite their efforts).  she was crying, explaining to her mom what had happened.  a woman was apparently observing them and walked up and said she felt the Spirit telling her to ask if she could pray for them.  my girlfriend explained what had happened to the gal, then girlfriend and mom couldn't believe their ears.  the woman had been through almost the exact same thing.   two weeks before she was preparing to travel to pick their twins up, she lost one.  she wanted to talk to me.

they brought her over to me, and i could be imagining it, but i'm pretty sure she was glowing.  they explained what had happened, and i just hugged this poor woman so tight i think i almost choked her.  we cried together and shared some sweat and a few words.  it was the biggest gift God could have given to me.  i knew then and there that this was of a greater plan, for His glory, which gave me peace that surpassed understanding.  there is no way out of 2,000+ people that this woman "coincidentally" walked up to my girlfriend.  i am no mathematician, but the odds of a woman having gone through the same thing, being there at that conference, being on that patio at that time and being willing to walk up to two upset woman are pretty slim.  just think of the odds of adoptive twins alone...really? 

this is one of the things that i still hold on to through the challenges of grieving the loss of a daughter that was bound to my heart, who's face i've seen in pictures but never got to touch.  it's such a unique and odd loss.  the feelings are unexplainable.  the past few months have been challenging, painful and growth inducing.  i have questioned God in a way that i have never before, and i have trusted Him and seen Him in a way i never have before.  my absence of posts has been about a time of removing distractions and focusing on Him.  He has showed up in my life in a way that i never knew he could (he keeps doing that)!  just when i think i've seen the best of Him and been the closest to him, he ups the ante.  one thing i know, i want more of Him, and am surrendered in a whole new way (again)! 

angels??  i'm not sure the bible would support that notion, but i do know it was fellow servant who was obedient to the Spirit's leading. 

here's her organizations website, this proves she's real...right?! ;)

finally!!

we are officially the parents of two more little peeps!!  we heard from our agency (late) tonight that the judge has signed our paperwork for both of the kids!  praising God for his provision and grace!!!  more details to come soon!

relevant

the zimbabwe covenant

i am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.  i have Holy Spirit Power.  the die has been cast.  i have stepped over the line.  the decision has been made.  i am a disciple of His.  i will not look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. 

my past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.  i am finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfted goals. 

i no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotion, or popularity.  i do not have to be right, first, tops, recognized, regarded or rewarded.  i now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor by power. 

my face is set, my gate is fast, my goal is Heaven.  my road is narrow, my way is rough, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.  i cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i will go on until He comes, and work until He stops me. 

i am a disciple of Jesus.

-author unknown

one of my dear, treasured friends/mentor gave this to me the other day.  oh how this sums up where i am at!  people frequently look at us and wonder why or how our lot can carry so much suffering.  i know this may sound weird, but i almost feel honored for our suffering.  romans 5:3 says "not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance," and "if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him," (romans 8:17).  if only He could allow our hearts to be soft, pliable and broken enough for this to produce sanctification into His image.  "for he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind," (job 23:14). 

in contrast, i can only be reminded of how easy our life really is.  we haven't even touched true suffering in life.  we live in the abundant land of america.  we suffer minor losses in our lifetime, compared to those around the world who endure grave suffering daily, hourly, minute by minute. 

but it is affirmation of what we're doing.  we can not save them all, but we can change the lives of two little people, give them hope and a future and an opportunity to be raised in a Christ loving. God fearing home that will love them beyond any love they've probably ever known.  i trust our little anna knows our love for her, and am thankful she had hope in her last days.  i am thankful for His provision to allow us to embark on this path.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i am a disciple of Jesus!