merry Christmas!!

jeeeeesh...it has been a while since i've posted on the blog.  life here is at a constant pace keeping up with all these little people!  here's a few most recent pics...this will officially count as our Christmas card this year people!!!

our first egg from our chicks!  they were so excited!!

this crazy girl was all wound up after one of her girlfriends birthday parties!

just one of the silly looks this boy can give!  he sure has come out of his shell and turned out to be quite a comedian!

bugs teaching the littles how to play

even the dogs are silly in this house!  technically, i think this could count as dog abuse.
i'm pretty sure the big bro 'staged' this one!

we had family up for a Christmas celebration.  here the hubs is giving a big old bear hug to his 'little' 2nd cousin!

sis with her great aunt

biggest bro was a happy camper farmer to add another combine to
his collection.  great aunt spoiled us big time!

and my bug being his silly self!

the whole crew enjoying their gifts, and the reality of having each other.

little man

fun times with the cousins

building their legos with help from the cous!

hubs was bent on getting a photo of me in the most precarious positions {aka...taking a giant bite of ridiculously delicious cake}, so i gave him something to take a pic of.  i learned this from one of my best of girlfriends...thanks mandy!  but i think you may still have me beat! 

we got snow on Christmas eve morning.  big bro was towing us all around behind the four-wheeler. 

the littles and the bug bouncing around!

our trusty driver kept an eye on his cargo

it was a glorious day filled with all kinds fun!!

the 'men' taking care of the turkey

all the kids for our first Christmas eve dinner together.  such a blessing!

Christmas even present time before our nativity story!

this year marks a pretty special year to us.  the hubs and i had candid conversations last Christmas, that we both remember clearly, thinking it was our last Christmas as the four of us.  it shouldn't have been. at the time we were adoption from haiti which would have taken much more time.  God had different plans and let us in on His little secret last Christmas.  it was quite overwhelming as we watched them all open gifts together this morning and wondering what their last year held for them.  did they know we were coming for them?  where they preparing their hearts for us?  did they even celebrate the Saviors birth?  probably not, but God sure made a way regardless, and has been faithful to knit our hearts more and more with each passing day.  

we got dumped on again with snow today.  as the big bro and i were out on the four-wheeler {again} tonight, i couldn't help but take a moment to look around at our beautiful farm covered in the pure white snow.  it was a moment of pure joy recognizing the parallel between the snow laden property and the grace we've been given by being washed white as snow in our Lord's eyes.  it was one of those moments when time just slowed down.  hands down, it was the sweetest moment of my Christmas day.  what a gift He has given to us so that we may be made right with Him.  undeserved grace.

merry Christmas everyone.  may your day have been filled with the love and grace so freely given by our Savior as we celebrate His glorious birth.

showered with immeasurable love

yes, i know, it's been a while.  things with four kids and homeschooling has kept me cranking!  but, i wanted to share some pics of our amazing shower that my girlfriends put together for us.  the pictures don't express how Jesus filled the shower was, but you'll just have to trust me on that.  it felt like i was at someone else's event which completely ministered to me in ways that only Jesus could do!  thank you to all who were involved and all who came and supported us in so many ways.  we are overwhelmed with how the church body and our family has supported us! 

our new family!

this was the set-up at the table.  i selfishly took the photo board home and the pics.  i wanted the rest, but i couldn't be too stingy! i just wanted to capture that feeling of that day at the shower!

the stars of the shower got their own cakes!

is this not the coolest cake?!  love! 

this mama and her little sweetie helped prepare me for a girl!  i really don't know what to do with one, and still don't, but we're getting there! 

this cute baby is as big as our little man!  except he's half his age!!!

that cute lady on the right had her hubby hand painted this canvas for everyone to put their thumbprints on who were there.  it is beyond special to me to know that this was hand painted by my pseudo-brother and one of my best of girlfriends!  it is front and center in the kids' room!!

isn't she the cutest pregnant lady ever?!!  she just delivered a healthy little girl this week.  we are praising Him for pulling her out of a scary delivery. 

so, there's kind of a neat story to these pillows.  my sweet friend here made them for me...by hand, and she just had a baby!  pretty amazing, huh.  i could stop there, but there's more coolness around these little personalized owl pillows.  i almost registered for some nearly exactly like these, but talked myself out of it thinking it wasn't a need, just a want, really for me just because they were so cute.  i never told anyone.  only my God knew i wanted them, and low and behold, He provided them through this sweet friend!  God is in every detail, it just amazes me! 

this had to be the cutest tutu ever!  so fun, and the little lady loves it!  she even wore it to her first church debut on orphan sunday! 

the tribe going through their loot!

ha ha...the kids were scared of this soft and cuddly stuffed dog!  gives you some insight on how they're doing with our giant rottweiler and black lab!  we take it a day at a time around here!

introducing...

our little peeps! 

now before some of you get lippy that this is all you get, we really are having some major issues with our computers.  our home computer officially crashed, and i can't get our laptop to upload a single pic on here.  so these are from the phone, and yes, i realize they're not so great, but they'll have to do for now.  our computers are old, very old!  we have these two little angels instead of new computers or a bunch of techy gadgets that could snag and drop for me, so you all will just have to deal!

  

it's hard to believe we've been home almost two weeks.  it feels like about two days, yet two months at the same time!!  the kids are adjusting much better than we expected, us on the other hand...well, we're adjusting!  the emotions that we have gone through since being home deserve their own post, which will come when i find some spare time (you may wait a while for that too)!  for now, after being told more than once (and not so nicely a few times, but i won't name names, you people know who you are) the 'natives are getting restless' for some pics!  we are thankful the natives care and want you to know that we couldn't have made it without you all and more importantly, your prayers!

"God sets the lonely in families..." psalm 68:6a

a couple of my trusty girlfriends made some headbands and loaded a purse with jewelry for her trip home.  we couldn't get her to take it off...a diva in the making already.  Lord help me!!

biggest bro with his new sis!  so excited!

newly big brother getting to finally practice at our first costco run...these kids eat a lot!

the tribe reunited!

 the look i got when leaving the other night!

                  a sweet friend had given her a tutu, she loves it!

 here they all are, in seattle to see the international doctor.  they got a clean bill of health on their general exam.  we were told 'nothing love and food won't cure'!  praising God for that! 

good hard

i really can't believe it!  we sent our visa application off yesterday, the kids have had their embassy appointment, and we are now in our final stage of waiting!  the funny part is, we. are. freaking. out!!  it's quite comical how life works that way!  we've had all these months to prepare, and yet we both feel like there is still so much to do, emotionally and practically!  these aren't things like decorating, making a fuss out of things and appearances.  we're really not much into that!  it's stuff we know we won't get to do for the next several months that are requirements to our functionality, so we are trying to get it done now to ensure our little mini 'farm' keeps on truckin' in our mental absence!

would you pray with us that we would have efficient hands and wisdom to clearly define our to-do list, for the hearts of us and all the kids to be prepared for the major transition we have ahead of us, and for a quick and positive investigation from the u.s. embassy so they can issue the kids' visas sooner than later?  we know we have only made it this far from all the prayers and support, and we ask that you continue to support us in that way through this next stage.  while this past phase has been terribly hard, i truly believe it has been the easier piece (scary to say, i know).  i trust this part was the preparation we needed for what is to come.  it has taught us a whole new reliance on Him that we likely never would have encountered in our abundant and self-sufficient land of america.  we are going to be hulled up in our home for quite some time ensuring that these little peeps feel safe, secure and loved by all of us.  we will likely not see much of the light of day (ok, outside of our farm anyway) for some time, and that is going to be a major challenge, particularly on me.  i like to see people, i like to have adult conversation, and i like to see that life does exist beyond our horizon!  so this part is going to stretch me in ways that i can't even fathom yet.  i will need you all to continue to lift us up, please!

in a conversation with a friend today, i was telling her that we are prepared for it to be challenging, rewarding, and hard.  she replied "good hard," with a tone of encouragement.  so perfectly said!  apart from Him, i can not make it.  in Him, i can see the hope and joy in the trials ahead!  i will be relying on the following verse more than ever before...dare i say, hourly minute by minute, very soon!  but it will be a good hard!

i can do all things through him who strengthens me.  philippians 4:13

can it be?

we are bouncing around with joy over here today praising God with every step!  our little p's paperwork is completed and the embassy has approved him to join b's appointment!!!  people, i can't tell you what a stinking relief this is that we actually know something in this process.  we have a date.  we still don't know exactly when we'll be traveling after that date, but we have a pretty good idea.  and that's good enough for me!  this is the closest we've come to a 'known' through the whole process, and what a great thing to know!  i'll take all the unknowns for this known today!  there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  our agency worked their little booties off to make it happen, and with time to spare!  so thankful for them!

whewwww...a big, joyful, long sigh of relief!  congo here we come!  now i'm off to do all my final preparations!!   i keep pinching myself to ensure i'm not dreaming!!!  thank you Jesus for moving yet another mountain!!  i knew He would!

to God be the glory!

we are over the moon!!  we got an email on tuesday that we have an embassy appointment very soon!!  we could not be happier!  we asked God to move mountains and get us in the ballpark to get the kids home before pascal's birthday, and He did it!!  what does this mean, you ask?

the embassy appointment is basically the u.s. government investigating our kids' history to determine if they are legitimately adoptable.  they want to ensure that there wasn't some parents that wanted a better life for their kids sending them to an orphanage with a story of their parents passing or severe hardship.  i'm pretty confident that there won't be any issues as our agency does a thorough job of investigating themselves and has even pulled the plug on some kids that looked like they had a skeptical history.  once the embassy does their investigation (which can take anywhere from 1-3 weeks), they issue their visas and we should be getting a green light to go within a few weeks of that! 

plans are being made, packing is being done, travel agencies are being confirmed and final room and heart preparations are occurring!  i may never know why God had us wait almost two weeks to get the same appointment as others, but i couldn't be happier, more full of joy in Him, and confident that are kids are coming home soon. 

i don't know if you all have been watching the olympics at all, but hubby and i have repeatedly been amazed at the vast number of american olympians that have given God the glory for their success.  i certainly don't have a platform like they do, but from my platform, i can assure you there was a mountain that needed to be moved for us to get this embassy date when we did, and there's only one way it could have been done.  i give God all the praise and glory for this!  He made it happen and i couldn't be more grateful, and humbled! 

i must confess, this is the first time since we lost anna that i have been able to get excited again without being so guarded.  this verse was given to me tuesday morning before we got news of our date, "have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (joshua 1:9).  to a certain extent, i have been living in a state of fear after the loss of anna.  questions have been reeling through my head wondering if good can really come out of the loss and challenges?  will He really see us through this?  should we really be spending this kind of money in these tough economical times?  will the safety of our bank account ever be the same?  can i really rely on Him in this way?  will our kids adjust ok?  will i adjust ok?  how am i going to homeschool our older kids with two toddlers running around?  will my hubby want to come home after work anymore with a frazzled wife and mom to four kids?  all these have slowly instilled a silent fear separating me more and more from seeing God's vision for adoption.  i've slowly forgotten the heart of the gospel through some of these challenges.  but...

not today!  i can rest assured that He has commanded me to not be afraid.  to be strong and courageous.  that even when things don't go how i want or think they should, that He is with me wherever i go.  maybe tomorrow will be different, but not today.  i will rest in that today, rejoice in that today, and give Him every ounce of glory knowing it was only by His hand that this got accomplished!!! 

i will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

my soul makes its boast in the Lord;
    let the humble hear and be glad.

oh, magnify the Lord with me,
    and let us exalt his name together!

i sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.

those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.

this poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.

the angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him, and delivers them.

oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
     blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

{psalm 34:1-8}

valleys and mountains

i woke up this morning to a timely email from a friend.  it was one of her daily devotionals that she forwarded on to me that i am pretty sure was written specifically for me!  God does that, quite often actually!  i'll hear a sermon, some words from a stranger, or get an email first thing in the morning, that are directly from Him, directly to me, specifically applicable to my situation with specific encouraging words from my Creator. He has thankfully been renewing and refreshing my spirit the past few days, and this is confirmation of His work in and through it.  people have been sending me tidbits of their daily readings that they felt God was specifically asking them to share with me.  the body of Christ has been doing what galatians 6:2 commands, to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  i am overwhelmed at a God who continually pursues me even in failures and doubt, and for his saints that are obedient to pass on His word.

i have to admit (not that you haven't noticed from my recent posts), that i have been struggling.  a. lot.  this adoption has taken me (and the fam) through valleys and mountains that i never would have imagined.  there are days that i didn't want to go on with this.  i wanted to bail out of the boat and let it sail ahead without me with not a care or a  fear of what danger that might land me in, or worse, how much I would miss out on Him.  there are days that i couldn't possibly have been more filled with Him and resting literally in his arms to make it through each breath.  there are days where i have seen God so closely and clearly that i couldn't even imagine at that moment ever doubting Him in any way.  this adoption has been hard.  full of ups and downs.  but i wouldn't trade it for anything.  anything.  i wouldn't know Him the way i do now if not for this process.  i wouldn't know what it truly means to rely on Him for everything if it weren't for this adoption.  i wouldn't be closer to knowing what He goes through to adopt as His children. 

i will fall, i will stumble, but my God if faithful.  He will never let me go, and i can mount on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint when resting in His magnificent glory. 

thank you all (you know who you are) for being such an encouragement for me and our family when we needed it most.  i am eternally grateful for your presence in our lives and for the intricate piece you are to bringing our children home, to drawing us closer to Him, and giving us the ability to share Him with two more little people he will be entrusting to us, and you.  you all have been a critical piece in our ability to forge through these lowest valleys and highest mountains!  thank you!

where my focus is {or isn't}

well, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least.  we heard last friday that the judge did officially sign pascal's judgement, but the agency still hasn't received the hard copy.  in the meantime, we have been waiting for two weeks now for our kids to arrive at the 'transition' house in kinshasa.  there were several kids that were moved, but (in our normal fashion, things just don't go smooth for us) our kids and a few others were left behind.  we weren't sure why, until we had a lunch date with our agency last saturday! 

we were heading home from a timely and refreshing weekend with friends and were traveling through spokane, which is where our agency is located.  we took this opportunity to actually put a face to the coveted caseworker we talk and email with so often.  this woman probably knows me more than most of my friends merely because of what we've walked through together these past several months.  it was a welcomed lunch filled with laughs, tears and strategic planning!  to make it a bit sweeter, she toted her hubby along so we more fully were able to see more of her life, her priorities, her passion (and his) for these kids, her God-given ability to juggle all she has on her plate, and the team effort it requires from both of them to persevere in this life.  about half way through our 'lunch' (i say this because it lasted a speedy four hours!!), she decides she needs to tell us her funny story for the week!  apparently those kids that were left behind were left for good reason: they had gotten sick and were being quarantined!  i think to myself, of course this happened to my kids!!  as she unfolds the story of the scare they had trying to determine what the sickness actually was, we are rolling in our seats at this point with laughter.  after all kinds of panic and research, the final conclusion was chicken pox.  and our little bridget started it!  here, i did have to defend my daughter and say that of course she couldn't have created it herself, she got it from someone!  but nonetheless, we had a good laugh at what lay ahead in our parenting of this little darling that is full of smiles, mischief, and apparently, disease instigating abilities!!  so, once they are clear, we are then promised they will be making their journey to the transition house. 

in the meantime, we wait. 

and wait. 

and wait some more. 

this waiting business is one of the hardest things for me.  which is why, i'm pretty sure, i have to do it so much!  there is a sanctification, and closeness with the Lord, that comes from waiting.  i usually go through the stages of grief {yes...it's that bad for me!!} beginning with anger (ok, I skip a few), then, after much kicking, screaming and trying to do it my way, i finally utterly surrender to the Lord (this usually involves sobbing with my face on the floor leaving a pile of tears on the carpet, along with a truck load of burden i've been trying to carry myself).  i am not sure why it takes me so long to get this through my thick head, but each time it is rewarding.  i'd like to say each time i get better at it, but that is entirely dependant on what my focus is, which varies more often than i'd like to admit. 

i'd like to say that i have complete trust in God and know that His will will be done regardless.  sometimes i'm better at it, and sometimes i'm not.  the times i'm not, it's because i lose focus on Him.  it's because i live more in my flesh and less in the spirit.  it's because i look at how unfair things are going and not at how He's unwavering in his sovereignty.  it's because i expend energy on worrying instead of obeying His command "therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life."  it's because i fail to see this as an opportunity to be more equipped for what He has ahead for me instead of learning and gleaning what i can from this lesson.  it's because He is not my focus.  too often i let the circumstances in life direct my heart.  as i listened to this sermon (the worship the King sermon) from David Platt last night (and again this morning) i am reminded of where i fail every time.  i lose my focus on Him.  HE is not my goal in the moment.  me getting what i want is, regardless of how much of Him i might lose out on in trying it my way.  and oh, how this grieves me.  i am too often reminded of paul's words in romans 7:25 "for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate."

i can not wait until the day that i no longer doubt some of Him, when i am wholly and completely surrendered to him...all. the. time.  i am painfully aware, however, that i have a lifetime of waiting until that can happen.  i will perfectly rely on Him once in his presence in Heaven, but until then, i will serve Him while i'm waiting.  i will worship while i'm waiting.  and i will beg for more of his priceless mercy to sustain me when i fail, over and over. 

even in my failure, however, He faithfully provides!  the kids made it kinshasa safely today!  what a glorious God i have!

beyond bummed

the past week has been hard.  our agency caseworker has been out of the office for the past three weeks, two of which she was in the congo getting a handle on the process.  we were told before she left that both of the kids' judgements had been signed by the judge.  we learned yesterday that apparently that was not the case.  the judge had not signed pascal's judgement.  i am beyond bummed, frustrated, and honestly, angry.  apparently the judge has verbally approved him, but hasn't officially signed his paperwork.  unfortunatly, that's a minor  major detail! 

we can't schedule his embassy appointment until we have received that judgment.  bridget's paperwork is ready to go and will get her appointment scheduled shortly after she hits land in the capital, but now our timing is off for them being ready and prepared to come home at the same time.  how off, we don't know.  there is hope that the embassy will allow p's embassy interview at the same time as b's, assuming we have his paperwork by then, putting them back on track.  but there's no guarantee.  that judge needs to sign that stinking paper.  that's it.  how hard can it be??
i have to say, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart.  it is flat hard, hard, hard!   it is like riding the scariest of scary roller coasters, and do i dare say, without a seat belt!  we are completely at the mercy of other people, whom we've never met, they are at the mercy of people that are doing work down in-country.  it makes for news like this to be very difficult and challenging to swallow.  the unanswered questions: even harder to swallow. 

the upside of this past weeks news is that the kids are getting moved into the capital to their new 'transition house'.  the house will provide better care, food, and facilities.  but it's not home.  it's not where people are going to love them unconditionally.  it's not where they belong.  they belong home.

please pray with us that they get there safely (the in-country flights in congo don't have the best track record), and for His grace and mercy for us to endure these next several weeks with hope and confidence. 

our little peeps

these are the pictures that were taken of these two the day after they lost anna.  i am so amazed at God's provision for them, particularly bridget.  she is all smiles after losing her twin sister...much more than i can say for myself.  they have all been raised together their entire life.  i guess it's just a part of their life.  they have dealt with more death in their short 2 years than i've dealt with in my whole life.  such a shame, an injustice, and unneccesary.

and here's the most recent pics of our little ones!  i almost feel bad for posting this...it seems like pascal is feeling a bit dissed he didn't get a new outfit!  and our sweet bridget is all smiles, as usual.  we sent the girls their packages long before we knew little pascal was a part of our family.  rest assured, he's got a package ready with his name on it! 

and just to give you an idea of how tiny they are, we sent her a 12 month size outfit.  i'm thinking there's some major food headin' their way once they get home!  can't wait to hold you two!  hang on...we're coming, God willing! 

blaise pascal

not many people have heard of the guy blaise pascal.  he's a mathematician turned theologian who stated "there is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus."

here's the thing: we have some friends who named their son blaise after this guy.  the little guy we're adopting's name is pascal!  i remember telling my girlfriend about our loss of anna on our porch and explaining we were getting their little cousin, pascal.  she whipered with tears in her eyes, "he's the other half to our blaiser!!"  it was a sweet moment of yet another kiss from God!  this is part of a greater plan!

the story of our little pascal has really hit this family hard.  little blaise suffers from juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.  he lives in constant pain, sometimes so severe he can't even walk.  he is getting inundated with drugs to try to subside his pain and improve his bodies' function, which seems to fail with each new dosage attempt.  there are continual unknowns which includes more pieces of their heart breaking as they watch their sweet boy endure.  they love Jesus, have devoted their life to him and work diligently in ministry.  they are being rocked to their core over the suffering their little son is going through, and can only trust in Jesus each step of the way. 

a highlight is that this little guy recently asked Jesus into his heart in their yard with their mama!  that Jesus guy is starting to pour out of his heart (funny how He does that)!  he knows the whole story of our loss of anna and how that made room for us to get pascal.  he's aware of the ridiculousness of someone dying over such a preventable disease.  as a result, he asked for mosquito nets for his birthday instead of gifts.  there's not a whole lot of 5 year olds that can so honorably deal with such pain and still give away the highlight of his year: birthday gifts.  i'm not even sure how many nets he received, but the fact that the loss of our little anna would have such an impact on a freshly turned 5 year old is beyond me! 

i have no doubt this blaiser and our pascal will be great buds!  God is knitting their hearts together half a world away! 

thanks blaise for being such a strong, sweet and Jesus loving little guy!  we so appreciate your support of our family and utilizing what your knowledge to make a difference! 

you, too, can make a donation to provide mosquitoe nets here!  let's help put an end to stories like anna's. 

angels?? maybe...

there's one story i want to share about the loss of anna that i didn't share before.  after i had gone out of the sanctuary and was sitting outside, apparently the session had been released.  one of my girls went to search for her mom in an effort to use mom's leverage with our airline to get me on a flight back home as soon as possible (thank you for whoever paid for my change fee).  amidst all of these people, she was able to find her mom almost immediately (which hadn't happened all weekend, despite their efforts).  she was crying, explaining to her mom what had happened.  a woman was apparently observing them and walked up and said she felt the Spirit telling her to ask if she could pray for them.  my girlfriend explained what had happened to the gal, then girlfriend and mom couldn't believe their ears.  the woman had been through almost the exact same thing.   two weeks before she was preparing to travel to pick their twins up, she lost one.  she wanted to talk to me.

they brought her over to me, and i could be imagining it, but i'm pretty sure she was glowing.  they explained what had happened, and i just hugged this poor woman so tight i think i almost choked her.  we cried together and shared some sweat and a few words.  it was the biggest gift God could have given to me.  i knew then and there that this was of a greater plan, for His glory, which gave me peace that surpassed understanding.  there is no way out of 2,000+ people that this woman "coincidentally" walked up to my girlfriend.  i am no mathematician, but the odds of a woman having gone through the same thing, being there at that conference, being on that patio at that time and being willing to walk up to two upset woman are pretty slim.  just think of the odds of adoptive twins alone...really? 

this is one of the things that i still hold on to through the challenges of grieving the loss of a daughter that was bound to my heart, who's face i've seen in pictures but never got to touch.  it's such a unique and odd loss.  the feelings are unexplainable.  the past few months have been challenging, painful and growth inducing.  i have questioned God in a way that i have never before, and i have trusted Him and seen Him in a way i never have before.  my absence of posts has been about a time of removing distractions and focusing on Him.  He has showed up in my life in a way that i never knew he could (he keeps doing that)!  just when i think i've seen the best of Him and been the closest to him, he ups the ante.  one thing i know, i want more of Him, and am surrendered in a whole new way (again)! 

angels??  i'm not sure the bible would support that notion, but i do know it was fellow servant who was obedient to the Spirit's leading. 

here's her organizations website, this proves she's real...right?! ;)

finally!!

we are officially the parents of two more little peeps!!  we heard from our agency (late) tonight that the judge has signed our paperwork for both of the kids!  praising God for his provision and grace!!!  more details to come soon!

relevant

the zimbabwe covenant

i am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.  i have Holy Spirit Power.  the die has been cast.  i have stepped over the line.  the decision has been made.  i am a disciple of His.  i will not look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. 

my past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.  i am finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfted goals. 

i no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotion, or popularity.  i do not have to be right, first, tops, recognized, regarded or rewarded.  i now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor by power. 

my face is set, my gate is fast, my goal is Heaven.  my road is narrow, my way is rough, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.  i cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i will go on until He comes, and work until He stops me. 

i am a disciple of Jesus.

-author unknown

one of my dear, treasured friends/mentor gave this to me the other day.  oh how this sums up where i am at!  people frequently look at us and wonder why or how our lot can carry so much suffering.  i know this may sound weird, but i almost feel honored for our suffering.  romans 5:3 says "not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance," and "if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him," (romans 8:17).  if only He could allow our hearts to be soft, pliable and broken enough for this to produce sanctification into His image.  "for he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind," (job 23:14). 

in contrast, i can only be reminded of how easy our life really is.  we haven't even touched true suffering in life.  we live in the abundant land of america.  we suffer minor losses in our lifetime, compared to those around the world who endure grave suffering daily, hourly, minute by minute. 

but it is affirmation of what we're doing.  we can not save them all, but we can change the lives of two little people, give them hope and a future and an opportunity to be raised in a Christ loving. God fearing home that will love them beyond any love they've probably ever known.  i trust our little anna knows our love for her, and am thankful she had hope in her last days.  i am thankful for His provision to allow us to embark on this path.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i am a disciple of Jesus!

surrender

i am not even sure where to begin.  it has definitely been the longest 10+ days of my life.  i added an email that i sent to everyone last week to anna's post.  i remember sitting and writing it, but i didn't remember what i said.  i can assure you that email was by God alone.  several people have told me what a great email it was, and i agree.  i refer to it often to minister to myself.  it was God's way of ministering to me, through the Holy Spirit, and those are His words in that email. 

you'll have to back up with me to the day before anna went home to Jesus.  me, along with four fantastic women, were down in california for the orphan summit.  thursday was the first day of the conference, and it was overwhelmingly amazing.  i was checking in periodically with our agency regarding anna and was so relieved to hear she was doing better.  i asked her at one point if she would be alright, she wasn't sure, but said she'd ask her foster 'dad' next time she talked to him.  when she asked him, she said he almost mocked her and said that this happens all the time and she'd be fine.  whew.  we were all relieved and i felt i could spend more of my efforts focusing on the conference i was sent to by my church for our upcoming orphan ministry.  i do feel that alone was God's grace, as it allowed my heart to be filled by Him throughout the day.  at the end of the night, i felt like my heart could burst from His love.  i think i freaked my roommates out when i told them i needed to go on a run at 9:30 at night to spend some time with Jesus.  away i went, getting even more filled by Him.  on my return, i sat alone in our hotel bathroom (the girls had gone to sleep, where else can a girl go in a hotel room??!!) praying and proclaiming my submission to God over this ministry and the cause of the orphans.  i've prayed that prayer several times in my walk with Him, but i was willing to go wherever He wanted me to go for these orphans.  something i hadn't surrendered to Him as of yet, not completely anyway.  i have laughed frequently after i pray a prayer like that and say that i often regret it as God moves in huge ways, not always the way i want.  this is definitely one of those time.  He moved in a mighty way, and it definitely wasn't the way i wanted. 

the next morning we were in the main session with well over 2,000 people listening.  and at my request, my trusty tribe was willing to let us sit front and center (it's my favorite place to be when listening to speakers; no distractions, no heads in my way, etc.).  the speaker had asked all the adoptive parents to raise their hands.  now, after a day of this, i already knew the next question would be for the 'in process' adoptive parents to raise their hands.  this was the second time i raised my hand on the adoptive parent question.  i had leaned over to one of the girls and told her that anna became mine through this sickness.  she was mine before, but it was different, a bit guarded and unknown.  but through the sickness, she became my daughter.  she was no longer some kid we were getting someday.  my heart hurt for her pain and i wanted to hold her as i would one of my own kids.  i had become an adoptive parent, not just one 'in process.'

not ten minutes later, hubby called.  since the session was almost over, i didn't answer and texted instead to see if everything was ok.  he just texted 'no, agency called.'  my heart sank, i knew it wouldn't be good, but i didn't expect what i heard.  i called him immediately from my chair and the news i've often so dreaded hearing as a parent trickled out of his mouth.  they lost anna in the middle of the night.  the phone hit the floor, my heart with it, and i sobbed my way out of that sanctuary. 

in loving memory

anna elaine

march 13, 2010 - may 4, 2012

'"the Lord gave , and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.'  job 1:21b-22

Hey All,

As most of you know, our little Anna became sick on Wednesday from Malaria and Typhoid and was hospitalized.  We knew it was going to be a struggle for her, but she started to improve on Thursday and was responding well to the antibiotics.  However, we received news on Friday morning that her little body was just too weak to make it and she had been called home to be in the arms of Jesus. 

I was down in CA at an Orphan Conference while the rest of the family was here at home.  Graciously, our dear friend changed my flight and got me home Friday night so we could be together.  The boys are taking it better than expected, while Cody seems to struggle the most.  It is manifesting in him in ways we didn't expect.  He seemed to take it tough at first, but was playing a few minutes later, so we thought that was that.  But it is starting to rear it's head and manifest in other ways, so pray for him to have peace during this time.  Brayden tends to be our dark horse, so I am sure he will reveal his grief in more 'secret' ways, so please pray for our discernment and His wisdom to know when he needs us.  Erik and I are doing our best to keep moving forward with our little Bridget that lost her sidekick, and trying to be a rock for our boys we have home.  I must say, Erik has been holding us all up at this time, and I praise God for his strength.   

Some of you also know that a few months ago we were told that the girls had a cousin that they were raised with and is, and has been, at the same foster home with them.  At that time we prayed hard about bringing him home with the girls, but felt it would have been too much for us to take on three additional kids at one time.  We wanted to ensure that we could care appropriately for the kids.  We have, however, chosen to keep Bridget and Pascal together as they are all each other knows now at this point in their little lives.  We are praising God that he is still available and God willing, he will be joining our family. 

With that said, we actively ask for your prayers for Pascal's paperwork to get approved by the judge either Monday or Tuesday when he returns from his vacation.  Bridget's paperwork has been informally approved, but not signed off on.  When the judge returns, our DRC attorney will hand deliver Pascal's information, explain the situation, and ask for his grace to sign Pascal off at the same time so we can bring them home together.  It will take nothing short of a miracle from God to have him sign their paperwork.  We are asking for God to move in the judge's heart to do that willingly and allow us the opportunity to bring them home together, without delay. 

I could go on about all the details that God has revealed himself through this already, but I will direct you to our blog for that http://graftedinbygrace.blogspot.com/.  I will be posting in the next several days, but please be patient with me, we are processing as a family and it will hit the blog in bits and pieces as I can handle it.  One thing I know, our God is mighty and sovereign.  He called Anna home according to his will.  We are selfishly mourning the loss of her here, but she has gained more than we could ever give her here on our best day. 

I thank you for all of your prayers already.  Please join me in praying and asking God for protection to keep Bridget and Pascal healthy, for the judges mercy and approval, and for a timely arrival home where they belong. 

I will take this opportunity to share that this is why we are adopting.  We aren't adopting because we need children.  We have two perfectly healthy, beautiful children.  We could have gone down the IVF road and spent significantly less money and likely less heartache.  We did this because the fatherless need us.  They need a family, a relationship that only can be given through adoption.  God mandates that we care for the orphans.  Our little Anna became a statistic Friday.  I would ask that you all boldly ask God to reveal to you if you are called to adopt and care for the orphans.  Ask God to reveal to you where you should be in that picture, and we will gladly walk with you on that journey. 

Faithfully His,
Our Family

while we wait

i must confess, waiting is hard!  it is really hard.  it seems like God requires me to wait...a lot!  we were all excited a few weeks ago about the progression of the adoption, and it seems that there is no news to speak of as of lately.  i am trying to maintain some self control and not stalk our agency!!  it is increasingly difficult with each passing day!  i want to know when our girls can come home.  i want to know when i can hold them.  i want to know when i can introduce them to their brothers.  everyone says that this is like a pregnancy; we have to wait and be patient.  but it's not like a pregnancy.  at least with a pregnancy, you have a 'no later than' date.  not so with adoption.  it could be right around the corner, or as some are waiting in haiti and other countries, up to 4 or more years.  the unknown is extremely difficult, no matter what the forecast. 

so during this time of waiting, we reflect on all that God has taught us in the past on waiting.  one thing i know for sure, He has always been faithful during our wait.  He has never forsaken us, or forgotten us.  it reminds me of an article one of our greatest friends gave me a while ago during another hard time of waiting (yeah, i said He does it a lot!!).  i love this perspective as it reminds us that we aren't just waiting "as if in a doctor's office" wasting our time while the doctor isn't there.  we are actively waiting on our Lord's perfect timing.  it gives us an opportunity to worship God for who he is, glorify him in this time, and lean on him and him alone.  it reminds me of how little i can really do, and how much i must rest in Him. 

so i will actively go to the summit this weekend and glean all i can from amazing orphan advocates to prepare for the orphan ministry we are starting at church, thanks to our church!  i will come home filled and refreshed with a new perspective and a rejuvenated view of God's purpose for each and every believer to care for the orphans in some capacity.  i will enjoy the snuggles in bed with my two boys while there is just two of them.  i will prepare a room for our girls and actually use some pink paint!  i will continue packing for our long journey to go get them and bring them home.  i will enjoy the days my youngest 'prepares' breakfast for us while we are instructed to stay out of the kitchen, then eat with joy the feast of cereal he laid out before us, milk and all!  i will even fit in some time with my girlfriends to make some dresses for the girls out of some old curtains and fabric that were given to us for that purpose.  i will embrace my oldest when he writes on the bottom of his handwriting page "i love you mommy so so so much" and whisper to him the same. 

i will choose to actively wait, but it is hard.  may my God grant me the mercy to do it gracefully.

Jesus feeds 5,000...

so last week was crazy on many levels!  first of all, we were busy preparing for our fundraiser garage sale for our travel expenses.  we had a lot to go through, and for whatever reason, we decided to wait until the last minute!  weird!!

early in the week, we had a conference call with our agency.  the lead gal from our agency had just gotten back from escorting a couple of the families on their trip to pick up their children in the congo, so there was a lot of information to be had.  long story short, the process is moving significantly faster than we all expected!  we waited not-so-patiently the rest of the week to hear the status of our particular case, and learned thursday that we are going to be traveling much sooner than we expected!!  we are super excited, but i can assure you, that has put a bit of a furry in our step around here.  we were expecting plenty of time to prepare, but that has been shortened by, well...a lot!  i must confess, the news came with mixed emotions.  we had a summer full of fun planned with our boys, and that seems to have disappeared in a matter of a 20 minute phone call.  it's not that we are not super excited to get our girls.  we have been longing for them to be here with us for far too long.  but we had plans, and once again, God has different plans!  i'm not sure when i'll learn to rest in His timing, but it's obvious i haven't learned my lesson yet!  so, here we go, ready or not!!! 

but, no time to digest the news, we need to saddle up for our garage sale friday and saturday!  we live out on a farm, so our gracious friends offered to have the sale at their house in town.  i'm pretty sure they won't do that again!!  :)  we had so much stuff donated (a huge thank you to all who did), their three car garage was stuffed to the brim.  now they aren't the average people that have their garage littered with their own stuff, they can actually get their cars in!  well, they could before the donations flooded in anyway!  so there was a full three car garage full of donations from generous people, some whom we don't even know!  one thing i can say, it was a miracle we got things priced!  we had a group of us getting ready wednesday evening, and we all took a good long stare for some time not even knowing where to begin!!  but thanks to the motivation of one of our trusty cheerleaders, we got motivated and took one bite at a time! 

so we planned on starting the sale friday at 9a.  as i pulled into their neighborhood, there was a sign for another sale that started at 8a.  as we start putting our first table out, people were already lining the street.  we tried to be as gracious as possible when we turned them away so we could catch a breath to get stuff out!  but it seemed like it didn't slow down all day! 

it was crazy, but we had so much fun!  we got to visit with a bunch of our friends (well, they're more like family) and share our story of God's new blessings for our family with so many different people.  we are so blessed to have fantastic people there to help, share in our journey, and support us each step of the way! 

or to just give us moral support!!  just kidding...she was testing the couch and ended up getting it, and a bunch of other things, for her son for college!  love that family!  thanks for the support team t!

 

here's the girls catching up!!








and here's hubby busted having a beer and pizza!  i missed the photo-op of him and one of my faithful, most generous girlfriends both on the couch with beer in hand!  it was one of the few down times we had!

me and two of my girls that made this happen!  they were rock stars!!  we couldn't have done it without them!!  and me with the hostess of the mostess!  you can see i'm a bit dishoveled at this point!  we were exhausted!!

even the kids were pooped after a long couple of days playing together, but still so cute hangin' tight together until the end! 

and the boys were helping make sure we got our veggies in after a long day!

so after the dust settled over the two day marathon, we figured it was time to count it up and see what God had done.  as we were counting, i was getting increasingly overwhelmed.  we went into the hundreds, then in to the thousands.  after we had gotten done, we realized there was another donation jar that we hadn't even touched!  we made over $4,750 toward our travel expenses!  all glory to God for providing every penny.  it reminded us of the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000.  we were certain He multiplied the bills overnight!!  we were selling things for pennies, and people were bartering down to $.25 on a $.50 item!  of course we had overly generous donations from special friends as well, but still, who can do that at a garage sale??  there's only One i know who can!  and He showed up in a huge way.  He has it down to every detail.  when i added up all the 20's, it added up to the year i was born!!  it could have been 20 more or 20 less, but it was exactly the year i was born!!  i just chuckled to myself.  it's one of those sweet kisses from my Lord that shows his sovereignty!  once again, i am humbled by that sovereignty, His gracious love, and my desperate need for Him. 

"are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  and not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  but even the hairs of your head are all numbered."  matthew 10:29-30

i can't thank all of the people enough who contributed their items, their time, their baked goods for the bake sale, their house, their love and their support!  it means the world to us that we can share with our girls how many people were involved in bringing them home!  we could not do it without you all!!  thank you!