relevant

the zimbabwe covenant

i am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.  i have Holy Spirit Power.  the die has been cast.  i have stepped over the line.  the decision has been made.  i am a disciple of His.  i will not look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. 

my past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure.  i am finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfted goals. 

i no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotion, or popularity.  i do not have to be right, first, tops, recognized, regarded or rewarded.  i now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor by power. 

my face is set, my gate is fast, my goal is Heaven.  my road is narrow, my way is rough, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.  i cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i will go on until He comes, and work until He stops me. 

i am a disciple of Jesus.

-author unknown

one of my dear, treasured friends/mentor gave this to me the other day.  oh how this sums up where i am at!  people frequently look at us and wonder why or how our lot can carry so much suffering.  i know this may sound weird, but i almost feel honored for our suffering.  romans 5:3 says "not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance," and "if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him," (romans 8:17).  if only He could allow our hearts to be soft, pliable and broken enough for this to produce sanctification into His image.  "for he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind," (job 23:14). 

in contrast, i can only be reminded of how easy our life really is.  we haven't even touched true suffering in life.  we live in the abundant land of america.  we suffer minor losses in our lifetime, compared to those around the world who endure grave suffering daily, hourly, minute by minute. 

but it is affirmation of what we're doing.  we can not save them all, but we can change the lives of two little people, give them hope and a future and an opportunity to be raised in a Christ loving. God fearing home that will love them beyond any love they've probably ever known.  i trust our little anna knows our love for her, and am thankful she had hope in her last days.  i am thankful for His provision to allow us to embark on this path.  i will not give up, shut up, or let go.  i am a disciple of Jesus!

surrender

i am not even sure where to begin.  it has definitely been the longest 10+ days of my life.  i added an email that i sent to everyone last week to anna's post.  i remember sitting and writing it, but i didn't remember what i said.  i can assure you that email was by God alone.  several people have told me what a great email it was, and i agree.  i refer to it often to minister to myself.  it was God's way of ministering to me, through the Holy Spirit, and those are His words in that email. 

you'll have to back up with me to the day before anna went home to Jesus.  me, along with four fantastic women, were down in california for the orphan summit.  thursday was the first day of the conference, and it was overwhelmingly amazing.  i was checking in periodically with our agency regarding anna and was so relieved to hear she was doing better.  i asked her at one point if she would be alright, she wasn't sure, but said she'd ask her foster 'dad' next time she talked to him.  when she asked him, she said he almost mocked her and said that this happens all the time and she'd be fine.  whew.  we were all relieved and i felt i could spend more of my efforts focusing on the conference i was sent to by my church for our upcoming orphan ministry.  i do feel that alone was God's grace, as it allowed my heart to be filled by Him throughout the day.  at the end of the night, i felt like my heart could burst from His love.  i think i freaked my roommates out when i told them i needed to go on a run at 9:30 at night to spend some time with Jesus.  away i went, getting even more filled by Him.  on my return, i sat alone in our hotel bathroom (the girls had gone to sleep, where else can a girl go in a hotel room??!!) praying and proclaiming my submission to God over this ministry and the cause of the orphans.  i've prayed that prayer several times in my walk with Him, but i was willing to go wherever He wanted me to go for these orphans.  something i hadn't surrendered to Him as of yet, not completely anyway.  i have laughed frequently after i pray a prayer like that and say that i often regret it as God moves in huge ways, not always the way i want.  this is definitely one of those time.  He moved in a mighty way, and it definitely wasn't the way i wanted. 

the next morning we were in the main session with well over 2,000 people listening.  and at my request, my trusty tribe was willing to let us sit front and center (it's my favorite place to be when listening to speakers; no distractions, no heads in my way, etc.).  the speaker had asked all the adoptive parents to raise their hands.  now, after a day of this, i already knew the next question would be for the 'in process' adoptive parents to raise their hands.  this was the second time i raised my hand on the adoptive parent question.  i had leaned over to one of the girls and told her that anna became mine through this sickness.  she was mine before, but it was different, a bit guarded and unknown.  but through the sickness, she became my daughter.  she was no longer some kid we were getting someday.  my heart hurt for her pain and i wanted to hold her as i would one of my own kids.  i had become an adoptive parent, not just one 'in process.'

not ten minutes later, hubby called.  since the session was almost over, i didn't answer and texted instead to see if everything was ok.  he just texted 'no, agency called.'  my heart sank, i knew it wouldn't be good, but i didn't expect what i heard.  i called him immediately from my chair and the news i've often so dreaded hearing as a parent trickled out of his mouth.  they lost anna in the middle of the night.  the phone hit the floor, my heart with it, and i sobbed my way out of that sanctuary. 

in loving memory

anna elaine

march 13, 2010 - may 4, 2012

'"the Lord gave , and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.'  job 1:21b-22

Hey All,

As most of you know, our little Anna became sick on Wednesday from Malaria and Typhoid and was hospitalized.  We knew it was going to be a struggle for her, but she started to improve on Thursday and was responding well to the antibiotics.  However, we received news on Friday morning that her little body was just too weak to make it and she had been called home to be in the arms of Jesus. 

I was down in CA at an Orphan Conference while the rest of the family was here at home.  Graciously, our dear friend changed my flight and got me home Friday night so we could be together.  The boys are taking it better than expected, while Cody seems to struggle the most.  It is manifesting in him in ways we didn't expect.  He seemed to take it tough at first, but was playing a few minutes later, so we thought that was that.  But it is starting to rear it's head and manifest in other ways, so pray for him to have peace during this time.  Brayden tends to be our dark horse, so I am sure he will reveal his grief in more 'secret' ways, so please pray for our discernment and His wisdom to know when he needs us.  Erik and I are doing our best to keep moving forward with our little Bridget that lost her sidekick, and trying to be a rock for our boys we have home.  I must say, Erik has been holding us all up at this time, and I praise God for his strength.   

Some of you also know that a few months ago we were told that the girls had a cousin that they were raised with and is, and has been, at the same foster home with them.  At that time we prayed hard about bringing him home with the girls, but felt it would have been too much for us to take on three additional kids at one time.  We wanted to ensure that we could care appropriately for the kids.  We have, however, chosen to keep Bridget and Pascal together as they are all each other knows now at this point in their little lives.  We are praising God that he is still available and God willing, he will be joining our family. 

With that said, we actively ask for your prayers for Pascal's paperwork to get approved by the judge either Monday or Tuesday when he returns from his vacation.  Bridget's paperwork has been informally approved, but not signed off on.  When the judge returns, our DRC attorney will hand deliver Pascal's information, explain the situation, and ask for his grace to sign Pascal off at the same time so we can bring them home together.  It will take nothing short of a miracle from God to have him sign their paperwork.  We are asking for God to move in the judge's heart to do that willingly and allow us the opportunity to bring them home together, without delay. 

I could go on about all the details that God has revealed himself through this already, but I will direct you to our blog for that http://graftedinbygrace.blogspot.com/.  I will be posting in the next several days, but please be patient with me, we are processing as a family and it will hit the blog in bits and pieces as I can handle it.  One thing I know, our God is mighty and sovereign.  He called Anna home according to his will.  We are selfishly mourning the loss of her here, but she has gained more than we could ever give her here on our best day. 

I thank you for all of your prayers already.  Please join me in praying and asking God for protection to keep Bridget and Pascal healthy, for the judges mercy and approval, and for a timely arrival home where they belong. 

I will take this opportunity to share that this is why we are adopting.  We aren't adopting because we need children.  We have two perfectly healthy, beautiful children.  We could have gone down the IVF road and spent significantly less money and likely less heartache.  We did this because the fatherless need us.  They need a family, a relationship that only can be given through adoption.  God mandates that we care for the orphans.  Our little Anna became a statistic Friday.  I would ask that you all boldly ask God to reveal to you if you are called to adopt and care for the orphans.  Ask God to reveal to you where you should be in that picture, and we will gladly walk with you on that journey. 

Faithfully His,
Our Family

while we wait

i must confess, waiting is hard!  it is really hard.  it seems like God requires me to wait...a lot!  we were all excited a few weeks ago about the progression of the adoption, and it seems that there is no news to speak of as of lately.  i am trying to maintain some self control and not stalk our agency!!  it is increasingly difficult with each passing day!  i want to know when our girls can come home.  i want to know when i can hold them.  i want to know when i can introduce them to their brothers.  everyone says that this is like a pregnancy; we have to wait and be patient.  but it's not like a pregnancy.  at least with a pregnancy, you have a 'no later than' date.  not so with adoption.  it could be right around the corner, or as some are waiting in haiti and other countries, up to 4 or more years.  the unknown is extremely difficult, no matter what the forecast. 

so during this time of waiting, we reflect on all that God has taught us in the past on waiting.  one thing i know for sure, He has always been faithful during our wait.  He has never forsaken us, or forgotten us.  it reminds me of an article one of our greatest friends gave me a while ago during another hard time of waiting (yeah, i said He does it a lot!!).  i love this perspective as it reminds us that we aren't just waiting "as if in a doctor's office" wasting our time while the doctor isn't there.  we are actively waiting on our Lord's perfect timing.  it gives us an opportunity to worship God for who he is, glorify him in this time, and lean on him and him alone.  it reminds me of how little i can really do, and how much i must rest in Him. 

so i will actively go to the summit this weekend and glean all i can from amazing orphan advocates to prepare for the orphan ministry we are starting at church, thanks to our church!  i will come home filled and refreshed with a new perspective and a rejuvenated view of God's purpose for each and every believer to care for the orphans in some capacity.  i will enjoy the snuggles in bed with my two boys while there is just two of them.  i will prepare a room for our girls and actually use some pink paint!  i will continue packing for our long journey to go get them and bring them home.  i will enjoy the days my youngest 'prepares' breakfast for us while we are instructed to stay out of the kitchen, then eat with joy the feast of cereal he laid out before us, milk and all!  i will even fit in some time with my girlfriends to make some dresses for the girls out of some old curtains and fabric that were given to us for that purpose.  i will embrace my oldest when he writes on the bottom of his handwriting page "i love you mommy so so so much" and whisper to him the same. 

i will choose to actively wait, but it is hard.  may my God grant me the mercy to do it gracefully.