good hard

i really can't believe it!  we sent our visa application off yesterday, the kids have had their embassy appointment, and we are now in our final stage of waiting!  the funny part is, we. are. freaking. out!!  it's quite comical how life works that way!  we've had all these months to prepare, and yet we both feel like there is still so much to do, emotionally and practically!  these aren't things like decorating, making a fuss out of things and appearances.  we're really not much into that!  it's stuff we know we won't get to do for the next several months that are requirements to our functionality, so we are trying to get it done now to ensure our little mini 'farm' keeps on truckin' in our mental absence!

would you pray with us that we would have efficient hands and wisdom to clearly define our to-do list, for the hearts of us and all the kids to be prepared for the major transition we have ahead of us, and for a quick and positive investigation from the u.s. embassy so they can issue the kids' visas sooner than later?  we know we have only made it this far from all the prayers and support, and we ask that you continue to support us in that way through this next stage.  while this past phase has been terribly hard, i truly believe it has been the easier piece (scary to say, i know).  i trust this part was the preparation we needed for what is to come.  it has taught us a whole new reliance on Him that we likely never would have encountered in our abundant and self-sufficient land of america.  we are going to be hulled up in our home for quite some time ensuring that these little peeps feel safe, secure and loved by all of us.  we will likely not see much of the light of day (ok, outside of our farm anyway) for some time, and that is going to be a major challenge, particularly on me.  i like to see people, i like to have adult conversation, and i like to see that life does exist beyond our horizon!  so this part is going to stretch me in ways that i can't even fathom yet.  i will need you all to continue to lift us up, please!

in a conversation with a friend today, i was telling her that we are prepared for it to be challenging, rewarding, and hard.  she replied "good hard," with a tone of encouragement.  so perfectly said!  apart from Him, i can not make it.  in Him, i can see the hope and joy in the trials ahead!  i will be relying on the following verse more than ever before...dare i say, hourly minute by minute, very soon!  but it will be a good hard!

i can do all things through him who strengthens me.  philippians 4:13

can it be?

we are bouncing around with joy over here today praising God with every step!  our little p's paperwork is completed and the embassy has approved him to join b's appointment!!!  people, i can't tell you what a stinking relief this is that we actually know something in this process.  we have a date.  we still don't know exactly when we'll be traveling after that date, but we have a pretty good idea.  and that's good enough for me!  this is the closest we've come to a 'known' through the whole process, and what a great thing to know!  i'll take all the unknowns for this known today!  there is a light at the end of the tunnel!  our agency worked their little booties off to make it happen, and with time to spare!  so thankful for them!

whewwww...a big, joyful, long sigh of relief!  congo here we come!  now i'm off to do all my final preparations!!   i keep pinching myself to ensure i'm not dreaming!!!  thank you Jesus for moving yet another mountain!!  i knew He would!

to God be the glory!

we are over the moon!!  we got an email on tuesday that we have an embassy appointment very soon!!  we could not be happier!  we asked God to move mountains and get us in the ballpark to get the kids home before pascal's birthday, and He did it!!  what does this mean, you ask?

the embassy appointment is basically the u.s. government investigating our kids' history to determine if they are legitimately adoptable.  they want to ensure that there wasn't some parents that wanted a better life for their kids sending them to an orphanage with a story of their parents passing or severe hardship.  i'm pretty confident that there won't be any issues as our agency does a thorough job of investigating themselves and has even pulled the plug on some kids that looked like they had a skeptical history.  once the embassy does their investigation (which can take anywhere from 1-3 weeks), they issue their visas and we should be getting a green light to go within a few weeks of that! 

plans are being made, packing is being done, travel agencies are being confirmed and final room and heart preparations are occurring!  i may never know why God had us wait almost two weeks to get the same appointment as others, but i couldn't be happier, more full of joy in Him, and confident that are kids are coming home soon. 

i don't know if you all have been watching the olympics at all, but hubby and i have repeatedly been amazed at the vast number of american olympians that have given God the glory for their success.  i certainly don't have a platform like they do, but from my platform, i can assure you there was a mountain that needed to be moved for us to get this embassy date when we did, and there's only one way it could have been done.  i give God all the praise and glory for this!  He made it happen and i couldn't be more grateful, and humbled! 

i must confess, this is the first time since we lost anna that i have been able to get excited again without being so guarded.  this verse was given to me tuesday morning before we got news of our date, "have I not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (joshua 1:9).  to a certain extent, i have been living in a state of fear after the loss of anna.  questions have been reeling through my head wondering if good can really come out of the loss and challenges?  will He really see us through this?  should we really be spending this kind of money in these tough economical times?  will the safety of our bank account ever be the same?  can i really rely on Him in this way?  will our kids adjust ok?  will i adjust ok?  how am i going to homeschool our older kids with two toddlers running around?  will my hubby want to come home after work anymore with a frazzled wife and mom to four kids?  all these have slowly instilled a silent fear separating me more and more from seeing God's vision for adoption.  i've slowly forgotten the heart of the gospel through some of these challenges.  but...

not today!  i can rest assured that He has commanded me to not be afraid.  to be strong and courageous.  that even when things don't go how i want or think they should, that He is with me wherever i go.  maybe tomorrow will be different, but not today.  i will rest in that today, rejoice in that today, and give Him every ounce of glory knowing it was only by His hand that this got accomplished!!! 

i will bless the Lord at all times;
    his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

my soul makes its boast in the Lord;
    let the humble hear and be glad.

oh, magnify the Lord with me,
    and let us exalt his name together!

i sought the Lord, and he answered me
    and delivered me from all my fears.

those who look to him are radiant,
    and their faces shall never be ashamed.

this poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
    and saved him out of all his troubles.

the angel of the Lord encamps
    around those who fear him, and delivers them.

oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
     blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

{psalm 34:1-8}

valleys and mountains

i woke up this morning to a timely email from a friend.  it was one of her daily devotionals that she forwarded on to me that i am pretty sure was written specifically for me!  God does that, quite often actually!  i'll hear a sermon, some words from a stranger, or get an email first thing in the morning, that are directly from Him, directly to me, specifically applicable to my situation with specific encouraging words from my Creator. He has thankfully been renewing and refreshing my spirit the past few days, and this is confirmation of His work in and through it.  people have been sending me tidbits of their daily readings that they felt God was specifically asking them to share with me.  the body of Christ has been doing what galatians 6:2 commands, to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  i am overwhelmed at a God who continually pursues me even in failures and doubt, and for his saints that are obedient to pass on His word.

i have to admit (not that you haven't noticed from my recent posts), that i have been struggling.  a. lot.  this adoption has taken me (and the fam) through valleys and mountains that i never would have imagined.  there are days that i didn't want to go on with this.  i wanted to bail out of the boat and let it sail ahead without me with not a care or a  fear of what danger that might land me in, or worse, how much I would miss out on Him.  there are days that i couldn't possibly have been more filled with Him and resting literally in his arms to make it through each breath.  there are days where i have seen God so closely and clearly that i couldn't even imagine at that moment ever doubting Him in any way.  this adoption has been hard.  full of ups and downs.  but i wouldn't trade it for anything.  anything.  i wouldn't know Him the way i do now if not for this process.  i wouldn't know what it truly means to rely on Him for everything if it weren't for this adoption.  i wouldn't be closer to knowing what He goes through to adopt as His children. 

i will fall, i will stumble, but my God if faithful.  He will never let me go, and i can mount on wings like eagles, run and not grow weary, and walk and not be faint when resting in His magnificent glory. 

thank you all (you know who you are) for being such an encouragement for me and our family when we needed it most.  i am eternally grateful for your presence in our lives and for the intricate piece you are to bringing our children home, to drawing us closer to Him, and giving us the ability to share Him with two more little people he will be entrusting to us, and you.  you all have been a critical piece in our ability to forge through these lowest valleys and highest mountains!  thank you!

where my focus is {or isn't}

well, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least.  we heard last friday that the judge did officially sign pascal's judgement, but the agency still hasn't received the hard copy.  in the meantime, we have been waiting for two weeks now for our kids to arrive at the 'transition' house in kinshasa.  there were several kids that were moved, but (in our normal fashion, things just don't go smooth for us) our kids and a few others were left behind.  we weren't sure why, until we had a lunch date with our agency last saturday! 

we were heading home from a timely and refreshing weekend with friends and were traveling through spokane, which is where our agency is located.  we took this opportunity to actually put a face to the coveted caseworker we talk and email with so often.  this woman probably knows me more than most of my friends merely because of what we've walked through together these past several months.  it was a welcomed lunch filled with laughs, tears and strategic planning!  to make it a bit sweeter, she toted her hubby along so we more fully were able to see more of her life, her priorities, her passion (and his) for these kids, her God-given ability to juggle all she has on her plate, and the team effort it requires from both of them to persevere in this life.  about half way through our 'lunch' (i say this because it lasted a speedy four hours!!), she decides she needs to tell us her funny story for the week!  apparently those kids that were left behind were left for good reason: they had gotten sick and were being quarantined!  i think to myself, of course this happened to my kids!!  as she unfolds the story of the scare they had trying to determine what the sickness actually was, we are rolling in our seats at this point with laughter.  after all kinds of panic and research, the final conclusion was chicken pox.  and our little bridget started it!  here, i did have to defend my daughter and say that of course she couldn't have created it herself, she got it from someone!  but nonetheless, we had a good laugh at what lay ahead in our parenting of this little darling that is full of smiles, mischief, and apparently, disease instigating abilities!!  so, once they are clear, we are then promised they will be making their journey to the transition house. 

in the meantime, we wait. 

and wait. 

and wait some more. 

this waiting business is one of the hardest things for me.  which is why, i'm pretty sure, i have to do it so much!  there is a sanctification, and closeness with the Lord, that comes from waiting.  i usually go through the stages of grief {yes...it's that bad for me!!} beginning with anger (ok, I skip a few), then, after much kicking, screaming and trying to do it my way, i finally utterly surrender to the Lord (this usually involves sobbing with my face on the floor leaving a pile of tears on the carpet, along with a truck load of burden i've been trying to carry myself).  i am not sure why it takes me so long to get this through my thick head, but each time it is rewarding.  i'd like to say each time i get better at it, but that is entirely dependant on what my focus is, which varies more often than i'd like to admit. 

i'd like to say that i have complete trust in God and know that His will will be done regardless.  sometimes i'm better at it, and sometimes i'm not.  the times i'm not, it's because i lose focus on Him.  it's because i live more in my flesh and less in the spirit.  it's because i look at how unfair things are going and not at how He's unwavering in his sovereignty.  it's because i expend energy on worrying instead of obeying His command "therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life."  it's because i fail to see this as an opportunity to be more equipped for what He has ahead for me instead of learning and gleaning what i can from this lesson.  it's because He is not my focus.  too often i let the circumstances in life direct my heart.  as i listened to this sermon (the worship the King sermon) from David Platt last night (and again this morning) i am reminded of where i fail every time.  i lose my focus on Him.  HE is not my goal in the moment.  me getting what i want is, regardless of how much of Him i might lose out on in trying it my way.  and oh, how this grieves me.  i am too often reminded of paul's words in romans 7:25 "for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate."

i can not wait until the day that i no longer doubt some of Him, when i am wholly and completely surrendered to him...all. the. time.  i am painfully aware, however, that i have a lifetime of waiting until that can happen.  i will perfectly rely on Him once in his presence in Heaven, but until then, i will serve Him while i'm waiting.  i will worship while i'm waiting.  and i will beg for more of his priceless mercy to sustain me when i fail, over and over. 

even in my failure, however, He faithfully provides!  the kids made it kinshasa safely today!  what a glorious God i have!

beyond bummed

the past week has been hard.  our agency caseworker has been out of the office for the past three weeks, two of which she was in the congo getting a handle on the process.  we were told before she left that both of the kids' judgements had been signed by the judge.  we learned yesterday that apparently that was not the case.  the judge had not signed pascal's judgement.  i am beyond bummed, frustrated, and honestly, angry.  apparently the judge has verbally approved him, but hasn't officially signed his paperwork.  unfortunatly, that's a minor  major detail! 

we can't schedule his embassy appointment until we have received that judgment.  bridget's paperwork is ready to go and will get her appointment scheduled shortly after she hits land in the capital, but now our timing is off for them being ready and prepared to come home at the same time.  how off, we don't know.  there is hope that the embassy will allow p's embassy interview at the same time as b's, assuming we have his paperwork by then, putting them back on track.  but there's no guarantee.  that judge needs to sign that stinking paper.  that's it.  how hard can it be??
i have to say, this adoption stuff is not for the faint of heart.  it is flat hard, hard, hard!   it is like riding the scariest of scary roller coasters, and do i dare say, without a seat belt!  we are completely at the mercy of other people, whom we've never met, they are at the mercy of people that are doing work down in-country.  it makes for news like this to be very difficult and challenging to swallow.  the unanswered questions: even harder to swallow. 

the upside of this past weeks news is that the kids are getting moved into the capital to their new 'transition house'.  the house will provide better care, food, and facilities.  but it's not home.  it's not where people are going to love them unconditionally.  it's not where they belong.  they belong home.

please pray with us that they get there safely (the in-country flights in congo don't have the best track record), and for His grace and mercy for us to endure these next several weeks with hope and confidence. 

our little peeps

these are the pictures that were taken of these two the day after they lost anna.  i am so amazed at God's provision for them, particularly bridget.  she is all smiles after losing her twin sister...much more than i can say for myself.  they have all been raised together their entire life.  i guess it's just a part of their life.  they have dealt with more death in their short 2 years than i've dealt with in my whole life.  such a shame, an injustice, and unneccesary.

and here's the most recent pics of our little ones!  i almost feel bad for posting this...it seems like pascal is feeling a bit dissed he didn't get a new outfit!  and our sweet bridget is all smiles, as usual.  we sent the girls their packages long before we knew little pascal was a part of our family.  rest assured, he's got a package ready with his name on it! 

and just to give you an idea of how tiny they are, we sent her a 12 month size outfit.  i'm thinking there's some major food headin' their way once they get home!  can't wait to hold you two!  hang on...we're coming, God willing!