surrender

i am not even sure where to begin.  it has definitely been the longest 10+ days of my life.  i added an email that i sent to everyone last week to anna's post.  i remember sitting and writing it, but i didn't remember what i said.  i can assure you that email was by God alone.  several people have told me what a great email it was, and i agree.  i refer to it often to minister to myself.  it was God's way of ministering to me, through the Holy Spirit, and those are His words in that email. 

you'll have to back up with me to the day before anna went home to Jesus.  me, along with four fantastic women, were down in california for the orphan summit.  thursday was the first day of the conference, and it was overwhelmingly amazing.  i was checking in periodically with our agency regarding anna and was so relieved to hear she was doing better.  i asked her at one point if she would be alright, she wasn't sure, but said she'd ask her foster 'dad' next time she talked to him.  when she asked him, she said he almost mocked her and said that this happens all the time and she'd be fine.  whew.  we were all relieved and i felt i could spend more of my efforts focusing on the conference i was sent to by my church for our upcoming orphan ministry.  i do feel that alone was God's grace, as it allowed my heart to be filled by Him throughout the day.  at the end of the night, i felt like my heart could burst from His love.  i think i freaked my roommates out when i told them i needed to go on a run at 9:30 at night to spend some time with Jesus.  away i went, getting even more filled by Him.  on my return, i sat alone in our hotel bathroom (the girls had gone to sleep, where else can a girl go in a hotel room??!!) praying and proclaiming my submission to God over this ministry and the cause of the orphans.  i've prayed that prayer several times in my walk with Him, but i was willing to go wherever He wanted me to go for these orphans.  something i hadn't surrendered to Him as of yet, not completely anyway.  i have laughed frequently after i pray a prayer like that and say that i often regret it as God moves in huge ways, not always the way i want.  this is definitely one of those time.  He moved in a mighty way, and it definitely wasn't the way i wanted. 

the next morning we were in the main session with well over 2,000 people listening.  and at my request, my trusty tribe was willing to let us sit front and center (it's my favorite place to be when listening to speakers; no distractions, no heads in my way, etc.).  the speaker had asked all the adoptive parents to raise their hands.  now, after a day of this, i already knew the next question would be for the 'in process' adoptive parents to raise their hands.  this was the second time i raised my hand on the adoptive parent question.  i had leaned over to one of the girls and told her that anna became mine through this sickness.  she was mine before, but it was different, a bit guarded and unknown.  but through the sickness, she became my daughter.  she was no longer some kid we were getting someday.  my heart hurt for her pain and i wanted to hold her as i would one of my own kids.  i had become an adoptive parent, not just one 'in process.'

not ten minutes later, hubby called.  since the session was almost over, i didn't answer and texted instead to see if everything was ok.  he just texted 'no, agency called.'  my heart sank, i knew it wouldn't be good, but i didn't expect what i heard.  i called him immediately from my chair and the news i've often so dreaded hearing as a parent trickled out of his mouth.  they lost anna in the middle of the night.  the phone hit the floor, my heart with it, and i sobbed my way out of that sanctuary.