well, the past few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. we heard last friday that the judge did officially sign pascal's judgement, but the agency still hasn't received the hard copy. in the meantime, we have been waiting for two weeks now for our kids to arrive at the 'transition' house in kinshasa. there were several kids that were moved, but (in our normal fashion, things just don't go smooth for us) our kids and a few others were left behind. we weren't sure why, until we had a lunch date with our agency last saturday!
we were heading home from a timely and refreshing weekend with friends and were traveling through spokane, which is where our agency is located. we took this opportunity to actually put a face to the coveted caseworker we talk and email with so often. this woman probably knows me more than most of my friends merely because of what we've walked through together these past several months. it was a welcomed lunch filled with laughs, tears and strategic planning! to make it a bit sweeter, she toted her hubby along so we more fully were able to see more of her life, her priorities, her passion (and his) for these kids, her God-given ability to juggle all she has on her plate, and the team effort it requires from both of them to persevere in this life. about half way through our 'lunch' (i say this because it lasted a speedy four hours!!), she decides she needs to tell us her funny story for the week! apparently those kids that were left behind were left for good reason: they had gotten sick and were being quarantined! i think to myself, of course this happened to my kids!! as she unfolds the story of the scare they had trying to determine what the sickness actually was, we are rolling in our seats at this point with laughter. after all kinds of panic and research, the final conclusion was chicken pox. and our little bridget started it! here, i did have to defend my daughter and say that of course she couldn't have created it herself, she got it from someone! but nonetheless, we had a good laugh at what lay ahead in our parenting of this little darling that is full of smiles, mischief, and apparently, disease instigating abilities!! so, once they are clear, we are then promised they will be making their journey to the transition house.
in the meantime, we wait.
and wait.
and wait some more.
this waiting business is one of the hardest things for me. which is why, i'm pretty sure, i have to do it so much! there is a sanctification, and closeness with the Lord, that comes from waiting. i usually go through the stages of grief {yes...it's that bad for me!!} beginning with anger (ok, I skip a few), then, after much kicking, screaming and trying to do it my way, i finally utterly surrender to the Lord (this usually involves sobbing with my face on the floor leaving a pile of tears on the carpet, along with a truck load of burden i've been trying to carry myself). i am not sure why it takes me so long to get this through my thick head, but each time it is rewarding. i'd like to say each time i get better at it, but that is entirely dependant on what my focus is, which varies more often than i'd like to admit.
i'd like to say that i have complete trust in God and know that His will will be done regardless. sometimes i'm better at it, and sometimes i'm not. the times i'm not, it's because i lose focus on Him. it's because i live more in my flesh and less in the spirit. it's because i look at how unfair things are going and not at how He's unwavering in his sovereignty. it's because i expend energy on worrying instead of obeying His command "therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life." it's because i fail to see this as an opportunity to be more equipped for what He has ahead for me instead of learning and gleaning what i can from this lesson. it's because He is not my focus. too often i let the circumstances in life direct my heart. as i listened to this sermon (the worship the King sermon) from David Platt last night (and again this morning) i am reminded of where i fail every time. i lose my focus on Him. HE is not my goal in the moment. me getting what i want is, regardless of how much of Him i might lose out on in trying it my way. and oh, how this grieves me. i am too often reminded of paul's words in romans 7:25 "for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate."
i can not wait until the day that i no longer doubt some of Him, when i am wholly and completely surrendered to him...all. the. time. i am painfully aware, however, that i have a lifetime of waiting until that can happen. i will perfectly rely on Him once in his presence in Heaven, but until then, i will serve Him while i'm waiting. i will worship while i'm waiting. and i will beg for more of his priceless mercy to sustain me when i fail, over and over.
even in my failure, however, He faithfully provides! the kids made it kinshasa safely today! what a glorious God i have!
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